Published on September 13, 2024
No matter where you were in Australia, Thursday 12th September was R U Ok Day. The focus of the day is mental health and a beautiful yet simple notion that “a conversation can change a life”. (source) And it is true; it is an axiom because each day we bear witness to the power of connection for others and ourselves. It is a truth because we all know what it feels like when someone really listens to us, authentically checks in on how we are doing, and recognises when times are tough.
By being present with others, seeing and hearing when a person might be struggling and then helping them access the resources they need, we can play a part in addressing the mental health challenges faced by many adults, adolescence and children in Australia. The great thing is that we don’t need to be experts on mental health to ask if someone is ok, but it is handy to know what support services are available to others. You can access here some great resources. I recommend you bookmark the link so you can share it with a child, friend, family member or someone else you are concerned about.
While you don’t need to be an expert in mental health to ask “R U OK?”, it is helpful to know how to actively listen.
Miriam-Rose Ungunmerr describes “inner deep listening and quiet still awareness” in the following way:
“What I want to talk about is another special quality of my people. I believe it is the most important. It is our most unique gift. It is perhaps the greatest gift we can give to our fellow Australians. In our language this quality is called dadirri. It is inner, deep listening and quiet, still awareness.
Dadirri recognises the deep spring that is inside us. We call on it and it calls to us. This is the gift that Australia is thirsting for. It is something like what you call “contemplation”.
When I experience dadirri, I am made whole again. I can sit on the riverbank or walk through the trees; even if someone close to me has passed away, I can find my peace in this silent awareness. There is no need of words. A big part of dadirri is listening.” (Source)
The word “Dadirri” comes from the Ngan’gikurunggurr and Ngen’giwumirri languages of the Aboriginal peoples of the Daly River region in the Northern Territory. What resonates for me in the above description is that deep listening is a gift we can give each other, as well as ourselves.
However, as parents, it can be one of the hardest gifts to give our children. As parents we often want to solve the problems our children are facing and take away their pain. Sometimes we feel that we don’t have time to just listen because there is so much to manage in the household and our working lives, including getting our children to do their homework, and to be on time to school, sports and other events.
A central part of the cognitive coaching training our staff undertake is learning to listen actively and put aside one’s own goals to mediate another person’s thinking. Overall, we want whomever we are coaching to access their own internal resources (called states of mind) to resolve problems themselves. This is empowering and builds autonomy and agency. In cognitive coaching we talk about helping a person move from their existing state to their desired state by helping them access different states of mind. The desired state is a holonomous one, meaning that a person’s ways of thinking are whole and balanced. The image below gives a great summary of the desired states of mind (on the right) and the “stuck” ways of thinking that impact a person’s ability to access the desired state of mind:
A person who is struggling to feel like they belong, or to know that there are resources and support they can access, can feel isolated. Their thoughts might include: “nobody cares about me”; “I’m all on own – nobody can help me through this”; “nobody else knows what I am going through”. A parent who feels unable to “get through to their child” might be feeling and experiencing thoughts of inadequacy – “there is nothing I can do to make a difference” – and so we need to help that parent reflect on what has worked with their child, tap into that resource, and feel as though “they have got this” (craftsmanship is that sense of mastery that we crave). Likewise, if we feel that there is something beyond our power to change, we need to support to build a sense of efficacy (“I can do this”) which often goes hand in hand with craftsmanship. If we are experiencing rigid thought patterns, we want everyone else to change, not ourselves. You might have experienced this as a parent when you just don’t understand why your child or partner just can’t get organised when you are such an organised person! Being organised is simple right? A more flexible approach would acknowledge that you are a master of organisation, but your child or partner is a master in another area and together you can learn from each other.
When we ask someone if they are ok, we need to put aside what we hope to hear and truly listen to what that person is saying. This helps us understand better their existing state and ask questions that help that person tap into another way of thinking. The trick is not to dismiss or minimise a person’s existing state. For instance, if a child is overwhelmed by an assignment at home, and in a state of despair (“I can’t do this!” “You can’t help me!”) and perhaps running from the room in tears and slamming doors, a parent first needs to acknowledge the child’s immediate pain. Then the parent needs to avoid solving the problem and instead when the child is calmer and feeling heard and listened to, can ask open-ended questions such as:
- What might be helpful for you right now?
- What role would like me to play in helping you?
- What information might you have about the assignment?
- What do you already know about the assignment? What questions do you have? Where might you find answers to those questions?
- How about we try breaking things down? How might you break down the assignment, so it feels manageable?
In essence, we can help others build positive states of mind – move into their desired state – through deep listening and “quiet, still awareness”. This is a gift, a simple yet beautiful one that keeps on focused on creating change through one conversation at a time, whether that is at home with our child who is having a meltdown, or with our partners, colleagues, family or friends.
Deep, active listening, though, is like a muscle that we need to strength and stretch each day so that we feel comfortable to exercise it at any time and in any place, no matter how busy we are. Building this muscle starts with cultivating inner, quiet awareness and the state of mind of consciousness. It starts with us being conscious and aware of ourselves, then being conscious and aware of those around us. Once we do this, we can set aside our own ambitions or busyness to take a moment to check in with someone who really needs to be asked “R U Ok”.
Each day we can practice with our children, friends, colleagues and other family members active listening by not seeking to solve their problems and instead cultivating “quiet still awareness” and asking questions that mediate thinking. By practicing each day, we are more ready for the harder, bigger conversations with people who are deeply vulnerable and for whom asking “R U OK”, and truly listening to their response, may be the start of the conversation that changes their life.
